Dear Santa,

For those of you who know me, I am an organized freak....when it comes to work. Now, my personal life and apartment are two totally different stories. However, at work, I'm the Organization Nazi. I can't stand for my desk to have papers scattered about and I can't leave paperwork on my desk at the end of the day either. Everything has it's own place, nice and neatly in order. My planner sits in the middle of my desk, so that I can see everything that's going on during the day, week, etc.

I looked at it this morning and realized it was now December. December. Can it really be time for the new year? I don't know if I'm ready for Christmas or not. I say that I am, but in reality, I don't think I'm ready for a new year. It doesn't seem like its time to get out the trees and whatnot. And I love Christmas ordinarily, I just don't know what's wrong with me this year. I love going shopping for presents and this year I'm dreading it. I've never considered myself a Scrooge or Grinch either but there's just something about the holidays this year that's not sitting well with me.

I think it's the fact that I'm grown up now. I miss the days of footie pj's and leaving Santa cookies. And trying to make myself fall asleep on Christmas Eve wondering what would be in front of the tree the next morning. I miss Christmas with my Nanny's. Both of my biological grandmothers have passed away and I miss them terribly this time of year. I miss the way I would go to my Father's house without any drama and now I know that's not possible. I miss being in the Christmas musicals at my church and having fellowship afterwards. And worst of all, I miss something I've never had. I long for the day when I have my own family and my children wear footie pj's and leave Santa cookies. I'm such a hopeless romantic and this time of the year makes me wonder about my future family.

But probably the biggest issue is, I know I'm not getting what I want for Christmas. And it's nothing anyone can actually get for me.

I got a Christmas card from a resident that said "Believe in the magic!" There's a part of me that still does....I'm in desperate need of that magic now.