Tears on my pillow.....

I don't even know why I'm up this late. Of course I do, I'm up this late every night but tonight is different. I can't stop my mind. I was in bed trying to go to sleep after I finished reading one of the most heartwrenching books ever, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas. The book made me sob and I guess it got me thinking. In this book, this man has 2 chances at real love. Here I am, almost 25, and I've probably only come close to it once. I could have loved someone recently, but he would not allow it. So I started thinking more and more about my life. I knew I had to try and get some sleep or tomorrow would be hell. After I settled in, I rolled onto my stomach, the way I always sleep and began to sob uncontrollably as I am right now. I hate this part of my life and if one more person tells me "Oh you're only 24, you've got plenty of time" I'm going to scream. I don't care if I'm 24 or 34, my feelings are genuine and they are relevant. I'm not going to chalk these feelings up to my age. I know plenty of people my age that are married. Hell, I'm not even looking at marriage right now, truth be told it scares me to death. But for once, could someone just show interest in me for me? And not what I look like or what I can do for them. I fucked up. I allowed my "relationship" with the most recent guy to become all about sex and we've never even done anything, but that seems to be the only way he thinks of me. And of course, what guy in his right mind would admit to liking a girl only in a sexual manner. We used to talk about stuff, our likes, loves, and dislikes. We were actually getting to know each other and then bam....I made the biggest mistake. I brought up the topic of sex. And it was all over then. Everyone knows that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that girl and I don't know how to stop being that girl. I know I'm overanalytical and sometimes I'm even a bit crazy, but I have the biggest heart that just wants to love someone and have them love me back. I refuse to become a cynic and stop believing in happily ever after. It's not in my being. I'm sure I sound so pathetic right now but I don't care. I just had to get this out. I sent the Roommate a text but I figure he's asleep. I know the Yankee's asleep along with everyone else I would normally turn to. I even cried out to God tonight as I lay in my bed crying. I miss Rachael so much because on nights like these I would call her and just cry. I wish I could just get in my car and drive but geez, I can't even do that because I can't afford to waste gas. I'm just so tired of being alone and feeling insignificant to others. I know who I am and what I want out of life. Why doesn't someone else want me? OK, enough of the pity party. I'm gonna take some NyQuil and/or Benadryl and knock myself out.