I might not know where I'm goin, but I'm sure where I come from....

Ok, so I know it's been a while, but it's not that it really matters anyways. My 2 faithful readers told me that they haven't checked out my blog in a while. Oh well, I do not write for them. I write for me. Alot has been goin on since my last post which I cannot believe was on July 7th. I'm turning into the Yankee. The Yankee never posts anymore and I know he doesn't have time, but I sure do miss Six Cents.

Anyways, since I last posted I have been to Nashville for Phi Mu's 49th Convention. I have been once before but it was in 2002 (our 150th year!) in Atlanta when I was a collegian. Talk about an amazing experience this time though. It's so much different as an alumna. I went with 3 other collegians and it was neat to see them finally get what the big picture is all about. I went to alumnae workshops and I'm so fired up about how we can increase our membership for our alumnae chapter. But more on that later. It really bothers me when people say "I was in a sorority" or "I was in a fraternity." No, you're still in that organization unless you relenquished your membership. So what if you pledged almost 10 years ago, wear your letters with pride. I overheard someone say yesterday about one of our guy friends "You're not in a fraternity anymore, stop wearing your shirts from 7 years ago." That really pissed me off. Since this blog is all about rantin's, this is definitely turned into one! The traditionally black greek letter organizations are so much more active than NPC or NIFC groups as alums. It just doesn't stop for them when they graduate. After being at convention and serving as an alumnae chapter officer and advisory council member for the past 2 years, I have learned that we have so much more work to do when we graduate. It's time to give back to what has been given to us. I will gladly give all that I can to my beloved organization and my chapter because of what she has given to me. But unfortunately, too many people see it as something I did in college.

Yesterday, several members from our alumnae chapter went to the motherland, aka Phi Mu Headquarters in Peachtree City, GA. It took my breath away. This new headquarters is brand new, not even a year old. Through fundraising efforts, the new HQ is over 50% paid for and it opened in Septemeber 2005. All I can say is "Holy Quatrefoil Batman!" There were quatrefoils everywhere and it was absolutely beautiful to see our National Museum and some of the archives that were on display. In the board room, 3 original portraits hung of our 3 Founders, Mary AnnDupont Lines, Mary Elizabeth Myrick Daniel and Martha Bibb Hardaway Redding. I got a little teary eyed when I saw them. My chapter does this song called "Guardian Angels" and the opening line is "A hundred year old photograph stares out from a frame and if you look real close you'll see, our eyes are just the same." The rest of the song played through my mind as I walked through the HQ. In the words of Kathy Williams, past National President, "I AM PROUD TO BE A PHI MU!"

On this trip yesterday, several other members made the comments that no one wants to do anything, blah blah blah. But no one ever really gave me a chance to talk about my ideas that I got from convention. How will we ever know if we don't at least try! Our collegiate chapter needs our support now more than ever and all they have to do is get involved. I overheard another comment yeserday that really bothered me too. This member is moving away for postgraduate work and she said she did not want to join the alumnae chapter where she was moving to because she didn't know anyone. GEEZ! Does she not realize that by joining that local alumnae chapter she will know people???? I can't wait to move away and join a new alumnae chapter. Who else could welcome me to my new city than my sisters? I dunno, maybe I'm just on a Phi Mu high right now, but I hope that I never lose it.

Tears on my pillow.....

I don't even know why I'm up this late. Of course I do, I'm up this late every night but tonight is different. I can't stop my mind. I was in bed trying to go to sleep after I finished reading one of the most heartwrenching books ever, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas. The book made me sob and I guess it got me thinking. In this book, this man has 2 chances at real love. Here I am, almost 25, and I've probably only come close to it once. I could have loved someone recently, but he would not allow it. So I started thinking more and more about my life. I knew I had to try and get some sleep or tomorrow would be hell. After I settled in, I rolled onto my stomach, the way I always sleep and began to sob uncontrollably as I am right now. I hate this part of my life and if one more person tells me "Oh you're only 24, you've got plenty of time" I'm going to scream. I don't care if I'm 24 or 34, my feelings are genuine and they are relevant. I'm not going to chalk these feelings up to my age. I know plenty of people my age that are married. Hell, I'm not even looking at marriage right now, truth be told it scares me to death. But for once, could someone just show interest in me for me? And not what I look like or what I can do for them. I fucked up. I allowed my "relationship" with the most recent guy to become all about sex and we've never even done anything, but that seems to be the only way he thinks of me. And of course, what guy in his right mind would admit to liking a girl only in a sexual manner. We used to talk about stuff, our likes, loves, and dislikes. We were actually getting to know each other and then bam....I made the biggest mistake. I brought up the topic of sex. And it was all over then. Everyone knows that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that girl and I don't know how to stop being that girl. I know I'm overanalytical and sometimes I'm even a bit crazy, but I have the biggest heart that just wants to love someone and have them love me back. I refuse to become a cynic and stop believing in happily ever after. It's not in my being. I'm sure I sound so pathetic right now but I don't care. I just had to get this out. I sent the Roommate a text but I figure he's asleep. I know the Yankee's asleep along with everyone else I would normally turn to. I even cried out to God tonight as I lay in my bed crying. I miss Rachael so much because on nights like these I would call her and just cry. I wish I could just get in my car and drive but geez, I can't even do that because I can't afford to waste gas. I'm just so tired of being alone and feeling insignificant to others. I know who I am and what I want out of life. Why doesn't someone else want me? OK, enough of the pity party. I'm gonna take some NyQuil and/or Benadryl and knock myself out.